1d20 Weird Pets


1 Phoenix chick. Identical to a week-old mallard duckling except with scarlet and orange plumage and gold eyes. Omnivorous, but mostly eats invertebrates and high-protein fat-rich nuts and seeds. Requires dietary supplements of tree resins and charcoal. They're always warm, like a tiny cheeping handwarmer. Grow very slowly, will remain a baby for around 30 years on average. Experiences filial imprinting within 8 hours of hatching.

2 Giant mosquito. Has a delicate, spindly frame with fluffy antenna and an iridescent silver-gray exoskeleton. Pigeon-sized, can be trained to perch on a shoulder and do simple tricks. Only eats nectar, sap, and sugary liquids. Slow and slightly clumsy flier.

3 Miniature death worm. Bright crimson unsegmented nematode the size of a corn snake with a distinctive 3-mandible beak. Found in the most remote desert environments, they're extremely sensitive to water and noise. Overexposure to either causes stress and can provoke defensive behavior in the form of small but painful electric shocks strong enough to fry (or charge) unshielded electronics. Obligate carnivores, they usually ambush prey on the surface, tracking it by sound and pulling it under, but can survive off microbes and insects filtered from the surrounding sand or endure for months in an aestivated state.

4 Hatchling purple worm. Huge and segmented, about 10" in diameter 6' to 10' long with pale lilac skin and a ring of flat black eye spots around the edge of the mouth. They grow roughly 1" in diameter and 1' longer each year if fed regularly and their subdermal chitin plates darken towards royal purple with age. Truly omnivorous, they can eat anything small enough to fit in their mouth. Intelligent and friendly, young worms have a personality like a golden retriever and respond well to training.

5 Baby bunny. Tiny and adorable. The littlest, fluffiest, most precious critter you've ever seen in your life. They're cuddly, friendly, and completely unafraid of even the most obvious dangers and predators. Diet is leafy greens with the occasional root vegetable as a treat, but will try to eat anything they can get at and chew on whether it's edible or not. Require a blood meal on every new moon or they become unmanageable. The ones that survive to maturity become prophet hares.

6 Prophet hare. Long almost distended limbs, lean even by hare standards. Huge ears and intense eyes. They can eat any type of plant material but must maintain a strict diet of only fruit, nuts, and seeds in order to receive visions. They're extremely fast with impressive endurance but spend most of their time sitting still staring into the distance and occasionally twitching with contained energy. Communicate their visions through jumping "dances." While the visions are usually correct, accurately interpreting the dances is difficult and takes skill. Older hares will sometimes speak but only one word at a time.

7 Teakettler. Rotund, 3-legged, and vaguely canine as if someone combined a corgi, raccoon, and copper cauldron. Omnivorous, eats primarily small mammals, crayfish, berries, and metal salts. They're extremely shy and anxious but can be friendly with people they know and trust. Shriek like a boiling tea kettle and let out plumes of steam when upset or excited. They always walk backwards, can run at high speeds, and only sometimes bump into things.

8 Passager pigeon. Parchment-colored plumage with speckled bands of charcoal and black across the wings and an iridescent red patch down the front of the neck and chest. Ink black eyes, beak, and legs. Eats tree nuts and seeds, but can survive on fruit, grain, or insects if needed. Known for their calm, alert, almost judgmental demeanor. While unable to speak they can instinctively understand languages on exposure, read, remember texts, and can be trained to write.

9 Tortoise. Chunky, ungainly, and adorable yet oddly dignified. Their high-domed shells are brightly patterned and very dense, making them difficult to transport as they grow older and larger. Strict herbivores, they can only eat leafy greens and grasses with flowers and fruit as a treat. Can go several months without food or water. They're generally harmless but can run surprisingly fast when they want. Body slam perceived threats in self-defense and bite as a last resort. Will outlive you, your children, and your children's children. 1-in-10 chance it's actually a young giant tortoise. 1-in-4 chance it's a polymorphed wizard.

10 Snapping turtle. Flat and rough with spikes, claws, and an unblinking gaze. Carnivorous, they'll eat anything that moves, biting first and asking questions later. They're foul tempered, aggressive, lightning fast, and stink. Sometimes they'll hiss before striking, but usually just bite whatever's bothering them. Everything bothers them. Can easily take fingers and toes. Live for decades. 5-in-8 chance it's a polymorphed wizard.

11 Giant tree frog. Masters of camouflage able to change the color and texture of their skin at will with chromatophores and specialized subdermal muscles. Potential colors range from the deadwood grays and browns of the forest floor through every shade of green in solids and ad-hoc patterns. It's extremely effective in the northern temperate megaforest they're from, but not as much elsewhere. Cat-sized. They're crepuscular-nocturnal, sing at night, and can climb on any surface able to support their weight. Usually calm and low-energy, but will jump unexpectedly in random directions at high speed. Carnivorous and opportunistic, they'll eat any meat small enough to fit in their mouth. Their skin secretes irritating oils, wash hands thoroughly after handling and don't touch your eyes or any mucus membranes. 1-in-12 chance of being a wizard. 3-in-8 chance it's a polymorphed normal person, may or may not have deserved it.

12 Land urchin. Identical to their marine cousins except for the adaptations needed for a terrestrial life and indeterminate growth. Most are shades of purple, black, or red, but there are fancy domesticated breeds in practically every color. They're usually ping-pong to racquet ball sized with toothpick spines, but older specimens can easily grow as big as a beach ball with spikes like knitting needles. Herbivores, they'll eat any plant material available and scour entire landscapes to bare dirt if left unchecked. They don't have much personality, but enjoy burrowing and climbing into crevices and are very difficult to dislodge once they've anchored themselves with their tube feet. Some breeds are extremely venomous. Considered a dangerous invasive species in many jurisdictions and require permits and registration to own where they're not outright illegal.

13 Walking bonsai. Normal miniaturized trees with a distinct rust orange cast to their foliage. Can be any species though evergreens and deciduous broadleafs like maples, beeches, and elms do best. They're actually a symbiotic system of a host tree and a bacterial colony inhabiting it. The tree provides the bacteria with shelter and photosynthetic sugar and in return the bacteria makes it mobile, moving to areas with high sunlight and water and away from predators and threats. They don't think in any way we'd recognize, but are aware of their surroundings and can recognize individuals as well as danger. Photosynthetic, just provide water, fertilizer, and a tray of clean soil for it to rest in. Impossible to overwater, if the soil is too damp they'll just pull up their roots and move. Need to be pruned regularly but carefully so it doesn't learn to see you as a threat. Overgrowth is unhealthy for them and full-sized walking trees are extremely dangerous. They can be pruned, wired, and carved into specific shapes without harming them but it requires much more attention and upkeep. All of a tree's tissue (leaves, needles, fruit, sap, resin, etc) contains a culture of the symbiotic bacteria that can infect (or purposely inoculate) other trees.

14 Coyote. Easily mistaken for a disreputable dog or small wolf with coats ranging from light gray-tan to dark brown. Carnivorous, eats whatever it can catch or scavenge and sometimes fruits or vegetables if it feels like it. Tempermental, independent, and extremely intelligent. They learn quickly, can problem-solve on their own, understand most language, and are ridiculously easy to train but only cooperate if they want to. Mischievous little jerks that like playing pranks but mostly mean well. Nocturnal. Howl. 1-in-100 chance it's actually that Coyote.

15 Colossal jumping spider. Fuzzy with a velvet black undercoat, ash gray topcoat, and brilliant metallic stripes across the face and abdomen. The stripe patterns and colors are unique to individuals like a fingerprint. UV reactive. Huge soulful eyes. Their average size is between a fat squirrel and small raccoon, but they can grow as big as a bull moose if they have help molting and enough food. Obligate carnivore, eats bugs, fish, small mammals, birds, anything high in fat and protein. The exact prey varies depending on the individual spider's size. They can jump up to 27 times their body length, spin silk, and climb on any surface that can hold their weight but have trouble with wet glass and ceramic. Extremely smart and social. They're friendly to people and other spiders, recognize individuals, and form bonds with favorites. Will do things if asked but don't really understand the concept of tricks. Regularly give gifts of food or random found objects. Dance to communicate and also just for fun, it can be hard to tell the difference.

16 Juvenile flail snail. Huge land snails with translucent purple-white mottled skin, ornate metal and mineral-striated shells, and uniquely adapted eyestalks with heavy metallic pearl cores. Omnivorous scavenger, prefers slightly decayed plant matter and meat when it's available. They seek out bones, eggs, and calcium-rich stones to strengthen their shells. Require regular dietary supplements of treasure. Their growth rate depends on the amount of precious metals and gems in their diet. They live for centuries and grow slowly even with good nutrition. Rarely get over 2' long before 60 years. Require moisture and regular bathing to stay properly hydrated and healthy. They're generally peaceful and only attack in self-defense, but will charge knights and act aggressively towards people in plate, even if it's someone they know. Even small snails have enough force behind their eyestalks to crack skulls, break bones, and crush small animals. Deceptively fast, can outcrawl a horse at a sprint. Slime has medicinal properties as a general antibiotic, antiviral, antifungal, burn salve, and purgative. Salt-resistant.

17 Cyclic ibis. Synthetic crystalline birds modeled after scarlet ibis. Plumage colors cover the entire spectrum and all different tints and shades. Beak, legs, eyes, and the tips of the pinion feathers are void-black. Juvenile plumage is gray. Thaumavore, they filter-feed on ambient magic and don't consume physical matter. Despite that they'll do whatever's necessary to obtain fries. They were designed to be as close to real birds in appearance and behavior as possible, and aside from a few unavoidable quirks they're a huge success. Have a phoenix-esque lifecycle. When they die their corpse sublimates into crystalline mist that eventually condenses into a new egg. Growth and development are the same as a natural ibis otherwise.

18 Hermit crab. Soft-bodied, most common in shades of orange, red, and brown but also found in purples and blues. Need progressively larger shells to wear as they grow and have been found using all types of natural shells as well as man-made items like flowerpots and 55-gallon drums. Omnivorous scavengers, will eat anything they can tear apart with their claws. Need to stay warm and damp to breathe. They're timid and don't like being handled. Pinch and withdraw into their shells when startled. Can live for decades. 3-in-100 chance it's actually a minor god or guardian spirit.

19 Anteater. Oddly elongated but adorable with a shaggy gray coat, cream forelegs, and a distinctive black stripe across the chest and shoulders. Can grow up to 7' long. Insectivore, eats mostly ants and termites but likes larva and grubs of other species too. Can survive on other fat and protein-rich foods like eggs, ground meat, and milk if it's prepared as a slurpable near-liquid slurry. Need brushing and bathing to keep their coat clean. Hate baths. They have an excellent sense of smell and hearing, but terrible vision. Solitary and territorial, don't tolerate other anteaters. Generally slow but can move fast when needed. Deceptively strong, can tear open concrete with their claws. They'll use them for self-defense but will posture and threaten first, standing up on their hind legs with their arms out.

20 Dire silkmoth. Very similar to domestic silkmoths except big and more dramatically patterned. The worms hatch from marble-sized amber eggs and grow to around 2' long, molting 8 times before spinning a watermelon-sized cocoon and metamorphosing into the adult moth. The adults are extremely fluffy, mostly white and cream with prominent black and gray eyespots and brilliant vermillion underwings. The average adult specimen weighs 16 lbs with a 5' to 6' wingspan. Folivore, they eat only mulberry and oak leaves. The adults do eat, but infrequently. The larva are voracious. Relatively short-lived. Most people raise them through their entire 4-year lifecycle from egg to adult. They're decent fliers. Not terribly bright, but so cute. Killing or injuring them is a considered a mortal sin in many religions.


1d100 Sample Texts for Calligraphy Practice

 

I used to do calligraphy (poorly) and just recently got back into it on the heels of my fountain pen habit. The plan/hope is to practice and hone my skills past where they were before and actually get good at it (or at least consistent), but I keep running into issues with deciding what to write. I have to write something in order to practice, but for some reason coming up with ideas for sample text on the spur of the moment is tough. I pick up the pen and my brain goes blank. It's a silly stumbling block, but it's there.

So to get around it I made a list of things to write. I think being able to just roll and go will help me get started, which is the important part in practicing any skill. Most of the list items are semi-random so the exact text will change from day to day/based on the situation and won't get repetitive, even if I roll the same thing more than once. Hopefully it works as expected. (It'd probably be good for handwriting practice/drills too.)

Calligraphy Sample Text (d100)

1-3 "Sphinx of black quartz, judge my vow"

4 "test" x5 in caps, x5 in lowercase

5 The alphabet in upper and lower case, numbers from 1 to 0, and all common special characters

6 Lorem ipsum filler text

7-9 A random word from the dictionary

10-11 A random word from the dictionary and 6 synonyms

12-13 Pick a random letter (1d30, 27-30 are "roll again") and write words that start with it until you run out

14-15 Solitaire shiritori starting with a random word

16-17 Vintage slang

18-19 A minced oath

20-23 Profanity! (1d3: 1 single word, 2 same word repeated, 3 multiple words no repeats)

24 An acrostic of your name using totally random words

25 A brief description of your day

26 What you had for [meal] (1d4: 1 breakfast, 2 lunch, 3 dinner, 4 snacks)

27 The last thing you ate

28 What you're drinking

29 The nutrition facts/ingredients list off the closest label

30 Your grocery/shopping list, as ornately as possible

31 Three hilarious/ridiculous/perplexing license plates you've seen (Bonus: and the make and model of their cars)

32 The third sentence on the 17th page of the closest book

33 The title of the last book you read

34 The title of the last book you read that you'd recommend

35 The title of the last book you read that you'd recommend to mom

36 The titles of all the books on your TBR list

37 An intensely florid description of the last animal you saw, full ultraviolet prose

38-40 A list of all the wildlife you've seen in the last day

41 The most recent thing you said to your pet (or someone else's)

42 The basic plot/details of your last dream

43 Your personal definition of what a goblin is

44-45 The name of a memorable past character

46 An inventory of all the blank notebooks and other unused stationery you have

47 An inventory of the items you'd put in a time capsule to be opened in 100 years

48 An inventory of your tattoos: Placement, design, significance

49 A list of the places you want to travel/see

50 The names of the 3 emoji you use most

51 A piece of furniture you're [X] (Flip a coin: heads - touching, tails - not touching)

52 Your favorite flower

53-54 The last 3 flowers/plants you saw in person (Flip a coin: heads - common names, tails - scientific names)

55-56 Mushrooms (1d4: 1 single, 2 in order of deliciousness, 3 in order of toxicity, 4 roll again and scientific names)

57-58 The scientific name of your favorite animal (Flip a coin: heads - just the binomial taxonomy species name, tails - the full name with domain/kingdom/phylum/class/order/family/genus/species)

59-60 Gemstones (1d3: 1 single, 2 list of all the same color, 3 list until you run out)

61-62 Rocks (1d3: 1 igneous, 2 metamorphic, 3 sedimentary)

63-64 Metals

65-66 The proper geometric names for the polyhedral dice in a classic 7-set

67 The names of 1d12 stars and astronomical objects (comets, asteroids, nebulae, planets, etc)

68 The constellations visible in the sky tonight

69 Tarot cards (1d4: 1 draw 1, 2 draw 2, 3 random major arcana card, 4 all the major arcana)

70 Names and titles out of the Ars Goetia

71 "Yikes" x1d10

72 Keysmash, but in analog

73 A 2000's-era meme

74 A modern meme (last 10 years)

75 Your name, birthday, mother's maiden name, first pet, and the street you grew up on

76 "We've been trying to reach you about your car's extended warranty."

77-79 "People don't think it be like it is, but it do."

80 Ominous motivational poster

81 Machine safety/caution/warning labels

82-83 The "This is not a place of honor" nuclear waste warning in full

84 Instructions for making instant cup noodles

85 Text to put on booty shorts

86 A folksy idiom (Flip a coin: heads - real, tails -invented)

87 A dad joke

88 A riddle

89 Your favorite poem

90 Lyrics from Weird Al's Albuquerque (Flip a coin: heads - pick a line, tails - all of it)

91 Blue Oyster Cult lyrics

92 Primus lyrics

93 Black Sabbath lyrics

94 Sword lyrics

95 Moody Blues lyrics

96 Quote(s) from The Princess Bride

97 As much of the Litany Against Fear as you can remember off the top of your head

98 Pick a random Simpsons episode: Whatever Bart was copying on the chalkboard in the intro

99 A stream of consciousness ode to the virtues of amphibians (1d4: 1 frogs, 2 toads, 3 salamanders/newts, 4 axolotls)

100 A stream of consciousness rant about wizards


1d66 Skeleton Varieties


11 Fresh and bloody. Newly-flayed, some vestiges of the previous owner's personality remain. Susceptible to suggestion and often show signs of disorientation and confusion.

12 Wearing its old flesh. Recently created. Scraped clean and clad in well-tailored clothing fashioned from their tanned skin.

13 Wearing someone else's meat. Sewn into the raw skin of another creature and walking around in it like a costume. Sometimes uses an animal's hide, but usually is a person-suit.

14 Carved. Decorated with deep patterns, pierced filigree, and sculptural details. More art pieces than enforcers, usually deployed as personal attendants and servants.

15 Scrimshawed. Etched with shallow patterns, pictures, and protective glyphs stained with lampblack. The etchings are extremely effective wardings that reflect local hazards and threats, usually self-administered.

16 Animal-headed. Normal in all respects except the skull has been replaced with one from a different creature. When the new skull is roughly the same size as a human's it's simply swapped, but much larger or smaller creatures' skulls are replicated as pieced and carved bone sculptures at the correct scale.

21 Mismatched. Collaged together from the assorted remnants of incomplete skeletons, scavenged bones, and adventurer aftermath. Ungainly and inelegant but extremely cost-efficient and self-repairing.

22 Veinous. A byproduct of creating traditional skeletons, composed entirely of braided veins. Move by hydrostatic pressure, monstrously strong.

23 Decalcified. Created by prolonged exposure to mild acid. Unsettlingly flexible and resilient, immune to blunt force trauma.

24 Multiple arms. Equipped with extra sets of limbs beyond original anatomical specifications. Range of motion and maneuverability is decreased due to crowding along the shoulders and spine, but: extra swords.

25 Armored. Encased in a permanently installed suit of plate and reinforced with bracketing to enhance their strength and structural integrity. Specialize in oversize weaponry, ultra-heavy draw bows, and hand to hand combat.

26 It's got a gun! Goofy but indiscriminate with terrible trigger discipline. An awful idea. Strictly regulated.

31 Sniper. Expertly camouflaged in any environment. Only fires on high value or predesignated targets. Takes pride in its work, but no joy.

32 Wizard. Made from mage bones. Skilled spellcasters and extremely intelligent. Must be created in cohort batches by combining the skeletons of multiple mages. If they have too large a proportion of bones from any one individual there's a risk their personality will re-assert itself and become an artificial lich.

33 Butler. Impeccably dressed, perfectly polished, poised, and prepared to accommodate any request. An indispensable fixture in any household of quality.

34 Gem-encrusted. Dripping with precious and semi-precious stones set in platinum and gold, hanging in strands or as pendants, and inlaid directly into the bone. Entirely status symbols. Sometimes imitated with rhinestones and cut glass.

35 Gilded. Coated in a thick later of pure gold. Impervious to the elements, decay, and corrosive chemicals.

36 Silvered. Plated in a thick layer of pure silver polished to a mirror shine. Immune to magic, supernatural entities, and high-energy beam weapons.

41 Beaded. Completely covered in ornate patterns of seed beads pressed into a thin layer of resin and wax. Extremely colorful. Usually created for festivals, holidays, and ceremonial duties.

42 Wax figure. Embedded inside a hyper-realistic wax sculpture of a living person. Having a face, even if it's not theirs, causes them to develop noticeable personalities and occasionally even become vain. Avoid fire and heat sources at all costs.

43 Lantern. Set with dozens of lit candles. Usually non-combatants assigned to patrol as sentries or with other skeletons. Move slowly and gracefully to avoid spilling wax.

44 Flame. Outfitted with fuel lines, sparkers, gas jets, and a central fuel tank mounted inside the ribcage. High quality specimens are coated with asbestos or refractory ceramic to prevent charring. Occasionally self-modify to have wrist or throat-mounted flamethrowers.

45 Prism. Cast in optical glass and ground into an array of lenses and refracting surfaces. Amplify the ambient light and light sources around them into a 60' zone of rainbow illumination that reveals invisible objects and creatures.

46 Clay. Entirely artificial constructs, sculpted to be faithful replicas of genuine skeletons but made of fired ceramic. More durable than bone models but harder to program.

51 Concrete. Manufactured skeleton substitutes, each bone cast in a concrete mixed using cremains and fine-ground bonemeal as aggregate. Reinforced with an internal rebar armature.

52 Fossil. Completely petrified, all their organic material replaced by quartz-rich stone. Too ancient to be intimidated by modern gods, immune to turning.

53 Opalized. Bones entirely replaced by precious opal. Create a zone of bad luck around them and in the areas they frequent. They don't talk on their own but sometimes speak true prophecy.

54 Haunted. Inlaid with obsidian and silver wards to trap spirits. Just a vessel for souls and not animate or mobile unless actively possessed.

55 Dancing. Fully focused on their partying and peaceful unless you bring the mood down. Everyone is welcome to join in the celebration.

56 Candied. Encased in a thick shell of crystallized sugar, shed shards when they move. Followed by hordes of ants.

61 Hive-host. Home to a colony of eusocial insects, carrying and protecting the hive inside their ribcage, skull, and marrow-channels. Bees, wasps, and hornets are common choices but other species like ants, termites, and social spiders are popular as well.

62 Ooze symbiote. Covered in an inch-thick layer of living ooze that selectively eats soft tissue and organic detritus. A spontaneous mutualistic relationship that forms in areas with high ooze populations. The skeleton carries the ooze to prey much faster than it could move on its own and gets protection in return.

63 Reef. Home to a thriving micro-ecosystem of corals, anemones, and the mobile species that make up a healthy reef. Imbued with an enchantment that makes the air 15' around them behave like water. Amphibious. Corals and anemones sting on contact.

64 Blooming. Intertwined with vines and foliage. Sometimes done purely for aesthetics but usually weaponized by choosing plants with thorns, caustic sap, irritating oils, or toxic and psychoactive pollen.

65 Electric. Wound with copper wire and capacitors. Always move in groups of at least three, one fitted with a tesla coil and the others with lighting rods.

66 Radioactive. The spine, skull, and all long bones are filled with ingots of metallic radioisotopes and drilled with holes to reduce shielding. They don't have a way to tell if they're close to reaching critical mass and need to be kept a safe distance from each other.

Read the Dictionary


Go read the dictionary. I'm not kidding. Go pick up a dictionary and read it. Treat it as a book in its own right, not just a reference, and go from A to Z. Pay attention and actually absorb the information in it. Do it today, right now even. It's good for you.

Whether you're a writer, reader, or just someone who speaks the language reading the dictionary for its own sake is worth it. It gives you a chance to encounter new words, collect them, and build your vocabulary. Every word you know, each atomized fragment of language you absorb, gives you a greater understanding and appreciation of the language as a whole. Revel in them.

As a speaker you can express yourself more completely and easily. As a reader you get more enjoyment from your reading because you can pick up and understand more of the nuance in what's written. As a writer you have more tools.

I've talked before about how a writer's most important skill is their ability to choose the right word for a job. Your words are your tools. As a writer you have to be able to convey your meaning precisely, using words that carry the right feel and nuance. That match the spirit of what you want to say, not just the basic concept. You can get by with a small assortment of basic words, a limited palette, plenty of people do. Some actually make it work, but more often it produces flat lifeless writing. You need variety to write something that has weight and juice and life. There are words for everything you want to say, but to use them you have to know them first. You need enough words so that when you have to choose which to deploy you can choose right every single time.

You get that by seeking and collecting and hoarding words until you have a dauntingly massive vocabulary to select your tools from. The larger your vocab the more options you have and, if you're learning and appreciating the words as you collect them, the better you understand how and when to use them. The goal is always to learn and absorb as many words as possible for the mental storehouse, and you do that by going to where the words live and reading the dictionary.

Do it. Trust me, you'll love it. Words are fun.

Go find a really big one, a hefty desk reference copy with plenty of space to spare for unusual and obscure words that might not make it into a more portable version. And an old one, one with a binding that's falling apart and includes the disused archaic terms that may be dropped from newer editions. Grab several. Thesauruses too. And if you can find a good combination dictionary-thesaurus, get it. Cherish it. Keep it forever.

I make a point to pick up a dictionary and at least read a section every few months for a refresher and it truly does help. Every time I come across a word I like but haven't used in a while it's like running into an old friend. So go read the dictionary. Really. Your brain and your craft will thank you.